What I Really Am

Ever felt like you were fighting a losing battle? When you finally realized that you were fighting a losing battle did you wonder why? Why are you still fighting? How come you never saw it coming? You were blinded by what you thought was good strategy. All it was in fact, just the mounting casualties. And you know what the ironic part is? The person you’re fighting isn’t even your enemy. It’s not good vs. evil; it’s not right vs. wrong. But you are fighting anyway.

All your lines of defenses have been torn to shreds. Actually you were the idiot who left the gates open. But then again, you never did expect it, so how were you to see it coming? The first wave left you reeling. Your foundations took a jolt. By time you steadied yourself, you could sense the next wave building up. You realize it’s time for a different strategy. Contain the rage within. Suppress the counter attack. But that never works does it?

The floodgates blast open and ends up in a free for all. The rules of combat, buried with the rotting remains of the last battle. You keep pushing without realizing that you’re literally hitting a brick wall head on with every attempt. The frustration is driving you wild, you cannot think straight. Every bloody attempt of yours to bring the situation under control just makes it worse. It begins to get so bad, I mean so bad that you stop comprehending your emotions and have absolutely no control over your body.

You exist in a completely different plane of thought. Disbelief of what you’ve been reduced to. Alternating between disgust and rage at the betrayal and then when the body can’t take it anymore you’re reduced to a state of mind that can only be described as diminished.

And yet, the battle still rages on. There is time to regroup and adopt different strategies but you don’t have any energy reserves left. You march forth into the final battle slowly realizing that you might not come back. You give it your best shot as always, but the knowledge of the heavy, impending failure drains you quickly.

Ever felt like you’re falling into dark bottomless pit? You feel the air rushing around you. How long before the sense of falling diminishes? If that is going to be your perpetual motion you’re not going to be aware of it continuously. Somewhat like breathing. Not really aware of it much till there is no air. And that is exactly what happens when the pain around you gets so intense, your mind adapts to it. Your mind, body and soul keep taking hit after hit, blow after blow till you have no life left in you. The final moments, the crescendo of the bloody orchestra makes you feel like every single freakin’ particle of your body’s going to implode. You feel like you want to break down and you don’t’ even know which emotion to trust. The pressure has reached its max and the clock, like a movie bomb stops at 1.

You’re falling. You can feel the air rushing around you. But that’s all your sensory receptors feel. Or allow you to feel. It’s like a drug. And then life moves on. The last few strands of grief disconnect and you’re out there living life like you’ve had the part of your brain controlling your emotions shut down.

This is Indifference. This was my world. I broke free and I think it’s beckoning again…